[T3rminator]

Hi guys/gals. I have been lurking this thread from time to time but not contributed, but I think nows the time. First of all just want to declare that I am a Malaysian born with Chinese heritage. I have been here for 32 years. In the last 8 or so years I have been battling anxiety.

A brief background on how it started. I experienced work place bullying in the past. Its freaken terrible. When you get bullied at school or outside of work, you have some "options" on how you react. But at work, when its from your boss, it feels like a prison trap, you have the fear of losing your job. To cut a long story short, I went to the UK in 2008 for a working holiday. Was lucky to find an employer that decided to sponsor me, so I stayed longer than the permitted 2 years. Made some awesome friends, found a nice gf, was loving the way of life, and was basically prepared to settle there for good. Then one day the director that gave me the sponsorship went on paternity leave, and a replacement director stepped it. I don't know what it is, but she decided to target a number of people in the team, and I happened to be one of them. I have a feeling it may have been because I was a foriegner, and at around that time, there was a big hoo hah with foreigners taking local jobs (UK was just recovering from the GFC). Anyhow I had 12 months to go before I could apply for citizenship, so I tried to put up with the bullying. In hindsight I shouldn't have as its now done irreversiable damage. Eventually I gave up my life there, packed up and came home, with a lot of resentment. I did it so quickly that I didn't even tell some of my close friends there that I was leaving until I arrived back home.

I was lucky enough to find work when I got back. But soon I found myself taking sickies because I would get anxious about going to work, for no good reason. I was (and still am) treated well at work here, but some days I was just scared to go to work. I would wake up and freeze. I took so many days off and gave so many excuses, I don't know how I still have a job to be honest. I tried a WHOLE bunch of treatments, many different counsellors and physcologists, but wasn't making any in roads. One day I walked pass a "Hypnotherapy" clinic. It offered a free 1hr consultation, so I decided "what the heck, nothing to lose". 5 sessions later my anxiety with going to work had completely disappeared. So I'd recommend some of you look into it if you haven't already. It's not cheap, and there are good and bad ones.

Fast foward to the present, I'm finding that my anxiety has returned, but for a different reason. This might sound really strange, but I am actually scared and anxious for when CV19 restrictions are lifted. The anti asian sentiment is intense and it is growing daily. It feels worse than what I experienced growing up in the 80s and 90s. I must say, Australia has come a LONG way, and I can honestly say I have not felt threatened in any way since I came back from the UK....until now. My folks are aging and in the vulnerable category, and I'm worried for the abuse they might cop. I don't know if my dad can take it, I know he won't handle it well, and I always worry for him. Whilst I'm also anxious about the abuse I might cop myself, I am more anxious about how I might react. I might do something I might regret. I play this scenario in my head over and over again, which triggers the anxiety. Some might say "its all in your head", but today the scenario nearly played out. I took a break from work at lunch time and went for a walk. Two blokes walking towards me were chatting, and as we passed, one of them made a racist remark under his breath to his mate, but loud enough for me to hear it (with social distancing, so I am certain he wanted me to hear it). I reacted. His friend ran to the car, but he stayed put. A few nasty words were exchanged. We were close to exchanging plesantaries, but at the last minute he pulled out his phone and threathened to record me. I'm glad he did because that is what stopped me from going further. I have been playing this scenario over and over in my head again, thinking what I would do if someone did it again. Its building resentment and anxiety. What do I do if it happens again? I can't just walk by and let it go.....I just can't. I want to go back and see the Hypnotherapist but unfortunately he has moved on and I can't locate him. I can definitely back up the notion that anxiety is fear of the future. Is there anyone else here in the same shoes and how are you handling it? I have tried chatting on helplines, like lifeline, but honestly they aren't much help, they just say they empathise with you but not much else.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what I'm looking for specifically, but writing it down (ranting) actually helps somewhat. And I apologise if some of my other posts in other threads come across as a bit antagonistic. When I see something that I disagree with (even though I might actually be wrong...and often am), I just feel like i have to say something. I have now disabled notifications on some threads to limit my time reading.